Looking For a Closer Marriage? 10 Things You Should Know About “Bids for Connection”

Ever feel like you and your spouse are just two ships passing in the night? You’re sharing a kitchen, a mortgage, and maybe even a few kids, but the deep, soul-level connection feels a little... dusty?

Believe me, you aren’t alone. In the fast-paced world we live in, it is so easy to let the "business" of life crowd out the beauty of the relationship. We get busy, we get tired, and we start to operate on autopilot. But here at Grace Journey Counseling, LLC., we believe that marriage isn’t just a contract, it’s a sacred journey. And sometimes, the most spiritual thing you can do for your marriage isn't a week-long retreat, but paying attention to the tiny moments happening right in front of you.

Today, I want to talk about a concept from world-renowned relationship expert Dr. John Gottman called “Bids for Connection.” It sounds a bit technical, but it’s actually one of the most simple, grace-filled ways to look at how we love one another daily.

What is a “Bid for Connection”?

In simple terms, a bid is any attempt from one partner to get the other’s attention, affirmation, affection, or any other positive response. It’s like a tiny "hey, notice me" or "I need you for a second."

Bids can be big, but most of the time, they are incredibly small. It’s a sigh while looking at the news. It’s a "Hey, look at that bird." It’s a gentle touch on the shoulder while walking past the kitchen sink.

Dr. Gottman discovered something fascinating: the healthiest couples (the ones he calls the "Masters of Marriage") respond to their partner's bids about 86% of the time. The couples who were struggling or headed for divorce? They only responded about 33% of the time.

That is a massive difference! It tells us that a strong marriage isn't built on grand gestures; it’s built on the thousands of tiny moments where we choose to show up for each other. It’s about practicing God’s grace in the mundane.

The Three Ways We Respond

When your spouse tosses out a "bid," you have three choices:

1. Turning Toward: You acknowledge the bid. You look up from your phone. You answer the question. You offer a smile back. This is where the magic happens.

2. Turning Away: You ignore it. Maybe you didn’t hear them, or maybe you’re too busy with your own thing. You just keep doing what you’re doing. Over time, "turning away" creates a wall of loneliness.

3. Turning Against: You respond with hostility or annoyance. "Can’t you see I’m busy?" or "Why are you telling me that now?" This creates fear and shuts down future attempts to connect.

If you find yourself in a season where you’ve been turning away or against each other, please know there is hope. Healing is a journey, and it often starts with simply noticing these bids. If you feel stuck in a cycle of negativity, our couples therapy can provide a safe space to start turning toward each other again.

10 Small Ways to Turn Toward Each Other Daily

To help you get started, I’ve put together 10 simple examples of how you can "turn toward" your spouse this week. These aren't meant to be chores; think of them as small offerings of love, rooted in the principle of honoring one another.

1. The "Look at This" Moment

When your spouse points something out, whether it’s a funny meme on their phone, a bird in the backyard, or a weird headline, stop what you’re doing for three seconds. Look at it. Comment on it. By doing this, you’re saying, "What interests you matters to me."

2. The Heavy Sigh

If you hear your partner sigh from across the room, don't ignore it. Ask a simple, gentle question: "You okay?" or "That sounded like a heavy sigh, what's on your mind?" It’s a small way to "bear one another’s burdens" in real-time.

3. Sharing a Memory

When one of you says, "Remember that time we...?", they are bidding for shared history. Put down the remote and engage with the memory. Laughing about the past is a powerful way to reinforce your bond for the future.

4. The Request for Opinion

"Does this shirt look okay?" or "What do you think we should have for dinner?" These aren't just logistical questions; they are bids for engagement. Even if you don't care about the shirt, give a thoughtful answer. It shows you value their perspective.

5. Physical Touch in Passing

A hand on the small of the back as you walk by, a quick squeeze of the hand, or a kiss on the forehead. These are non-verbal bids. Turning toward these means leaning into the touch rather than pulling away.

6. The "How Was Your Day?" (And Actually Listening)

We ask this all the time, but do we listen? Turning toward this bid means putting the phone face down, making eye contact, and asking a follow-up question. It’s a way to provide emotional safety after a long day in a stressful world. If work stress is becoming too much for either of you, you might find our stress management therapy helpful.

7. Playfulness and Inside Jokes

If your spouse makes a silly face or drops a line from an inside joke, play along! Playfulness is the "lubricant" of a long-term relationship. It keeps things light and reminds you that you are on the same team.

8. Asking for Help

"Can you help me with this?" or "Can you look at this email before I send it?" are bids for support. When we turn toward these, we affirm that we are partners. It’s about more than the task; it’s about the togetherness.

9. Showing a Physical Need

If your spouse says, "I’m so tired," or "My back is killing me," they aren't just complaining. They are bidding for sympathy. A simple "I'm so sorry, that sounds hard" or offering a quick rub is a powerful deposit in your relationship's emotional bank account.

10. The Bedtime Ritual

Whether it’s praying together, talking about the day, or just saying "I love you" before closing your eyes, these are bids for closure and security. Turning toward these ensures you end the day in unity.

Why Consistency Matters More Than Perfection

Now, I want to give you a little bit of grace here. No one, and I mean no one, responds to 100% of their partner's bids. We get distracted. We get grumpy. We have bad days.

The goal isn't perfection; it’s consistency. It’s about the general "weather" of your relationship. Is it mostly sunny with a few clouds, or is it a constant thunderstorm of being ignored?

In a faith-based context, we look at this as stewardship. God has given us the gift of our spouse, and noticing their bids is a way to steward that relationship with kindness and intentionality. It is an act of "grace and mercy" to put down our own agenda for a moment to see the person God has placed by our side.

When Bids Feel Impossible

If you’re reading this and thinking, "Penny, I try to make bids, but my spouse always turns away," or "I’m so angry I don't even want to turn toward them," please hear me: It is okay to ask for help.

Sometimes, resentment can build up like a wall, making it hard to see or hear the bids our partner is making. If you find yourself in that place, you might want to read our post on why anger doesn't go away or consider reaching out for individual therapy to work through your own heart before tackling the marriage.

At Grace Journey Counseling, LLC., we are here to be a beacon of hope for you. Whether you are looking for premarital counseling to start your journey on the right foot, or you need family therapy to bring peace back to your home, we are ready to walk with you.

Trust the Process

Healing and connection are journeys, not destinations. You don’t have to fix everything today. Just try to notice one bid this afternoon. Just one. And when you see it, turn toward it with a little bit of the grace that has been shown to us.

If you’re ready to take a bigger step toward restoration, we’ve made our booking services simple and accessible. You can check out our pricing and plans online to find what fits your family’s needs.

Remember, your marriage is worth the effort. God’s grace is sufficient for the "ships passing in the night" seasons, and He is the Master of bringing people back together. Allow that grace to guide you today.

Consider reaching out to us at Grace Journey Counseling, LLC. if you'd like professional, faith-based support in strengthening your marriage. We would be honored to be a part of your story.